How to handle conflict: conflicts are a normal part of life. It's how you deal with them that makes all the difference - special feature

"Hey, college boy," Mr. Jefferson smirked as Ramon walked into the supermarket, "a lady just dropped a bottle of grape juice in aisle six. Do you think you could lower yourself enough to mop it up?"

Ramon was seething inside as he grabbed the mop and headed off to clean up the spill. Ever since he told some of his co-workers that he had applied to the state university, Mr. Jefferson, the night manager, had teased and taunted him.

Ramon was tired of being called "college boy." He was sick of hearing the sarcastic remarks, and he was getting fed up with being assigned all the dirty jobs.

Aggression Causes Trouble

As Ramon mopped up the purple mess, he thought about taking the dripping mop down to the front of the store, handing it to Mr. Jefferson, and saying, "Here you go, boss man. Clean up your own spills. I'm sick of your teasing and your dirty work. Yeah, I'm going to college, and maybe HI come back someday as your boss. Then we'll see how funny you are!"

As much as that might make him feel better for a few moments, Ramon realized that quitting his job would be just about the worst possible thing he could do, now that he needed every cent he could earn for college. Besides, he reasoned, Mr. Jefferson might figure that he was right all along--that Ramon thought he was too good to clean up spills.

Passive Gets You Less Than Nowhere

Once the spill was mopped up and Ramon had calmed down, he thought that maybe he should just keep his mouth shut and tough it out for the next few months. But he caught himself. He realized that if he didn't stand up to his boss, the teasing would probably continue. There would only be more mops and more spills and more anger.

Asserting Your Rights

As Ramon returned to the front of the store, he remembered the presentation his guidance counselor, Mrs. Chang, gave last week on something called assertiveness. It is a way of standing up for your own rights without creating conflict. As Ramon walked toward Mr. Jefferson, the main points of the presentation started to come back to him.

The Right Time and Place. Mr. Jefferson was talking with a customer when Ramon reached the front of the supermarket. Ramon waited until Mr. Jefferson was finished and then asked, "Can I talk with you in your office when you have a moment?"

Mr. Jefferson looked up curiously and said slowly, "Sure, Ramon, I guess I have a few minutes Let's go."

By waiting for the right time, Ramon was likely to have Mr. Jefferson's attention. Also, by asking to speak with him in private, Ramon reduced the chances that Mr. Jefferson would feel that he had to impress others, protect his reputation, or save face.

Posture, Eye Contact, Relaxed Stance. Before Ramon said the first word, he reminded himself of a few important things. If he was going to stand u himself, he needed to stand up straight! knew that it was important to make eye contact.

Ramon also knew the importance of relaxing his hands and keeping a comfortable distance from Mr. Jefferson. He did not want to appear hostile or threatening.

Tone of Voice, Emotion, Rate of Speech. Even though he was angry, Ramon reminded himself that he must speak calmly, clearly, and slowly if he was going to get his point across. If he let his anger creep in, he would probably get an angry or defensive response from Mr. Jefferson. Even worse, if hen his feelings behind a quiet tone or rapid speech, then Mr. Jefferson would probably doubt his seriousness.

"I" Statements. Mr. Jefferson closed the office door, folded his arms, and looked at Ramon questioningly. Ramon took a deep breath and began, "Mr. Jefferson, I really feel embarrassed when you call me 'college boy.' I like it a lot better when people call me Ramon."

Mr. Jefferson nodded his head slightly and said, "Go on."

"I don't mind doing my fair share of the dirty jobs around here," Ramon continued, "but I feel like I'm getting a lot more mop time than anyone else."

By using a statement that began with "I," Ramon was able to state his feelings honestly, without accusing Mr. Jefferson. "I" statements usually can't be considered false or cause an argument because they're a simple statement of feelings.

Cooperative Statements. Ramon kept going, "We used to get along fine until everybody started talking about me going to college next year. I haven't changed, and I'd like to go back to the way things were."

Cooperative statements--or statements that connect you with the other person--create common ground for further discussion. They also serve as a subtle reminder that you share experiences and values with the other person.

It's All About Self-respect

"Remember that standing up for your personal rights, or being assertive, is very important," explains Betty Kelman of the Seattle University School of Nursing. "Standing up for your rights involves self-respect--respect for your rights and the other person's rights. Respecting ourselves is the ability to make our own decisions involving relationships, how you spend your time, and whom you spend it with."

Kelman also explains what assertiveness is not. "Standing up for yourself does not mean that you express yourself in an aggressive, angry, or mean way." She sums it up this way: "Think of standing up for yourself as being in a win-win situation. You win and they win."

Some Other Ideas

Clinical psychologist Clare Albright offers some other suggestions for dealing with conflict. "Wait a few days to cool down emotionally when a situation makes you feel wild with intense feelings. As time passes, you will be more objective about the issues." She also recommends face-to-face communication for resolving conflicts. "E-mails, answering machine messages, and notes are too impersonal for the delicate nature of negative words. What feels like a bomb on paper may feel like a feather in person."

But wait--what happened to Ramon and Mr. Jefferson?

Mr. Jefferson looked down at the floor briefly and then up at Ramon. "Are you finished now, college b ..., I mean, Ramon?"

Ramon nodded.

"Well, I'm sorry," Mr. Jefferson said. "I didn't have a chance to go to college, and it's kept me from getting some good jobs and moving up in this company." He shook his head. "I didn't realize that it was bothering you that much ... and I guess my personal problem shouldn't be your problem."

For a moment neither of them said anything. Then Ramon stuck out his right hand. Mr. Jefferson shook his hand and said, "Let's get back to work, Ramon. And no more mopping--for tonight anyway."

The Ultimate Conflict

Jennifer really enjoyed her new job working the counter at the pizza place. Her boss, Dave, was really nice, and the pay was pretty good. On her third night there, Dave asked her if she'd like to come over to his apartment after work. Jennifer thought that Dave was a nice guy, but he was a few years older, and she really didn't want to get involved with someone at work anyway. She told him that she had other plans.

Night after night, Dave asked Jennifer to go out with him, and she kept turning him down. Finally she told him directly that she wasn't interested in dating him. Then things changed.

Suddenly Jennifer was assigned to clean-up tasks in the kitchen, and a new girl was hired to work the counter. Dave wouldn't speak to her unless he was criticizing her work or cutting back her hours. Finally, Jennifer was so fed up that she quit.

Jennifer was the victim of sexual harassment. Dave was trying to use his authority to pressure her into a relationship with him. His actions were wrong and against the law.

Because she chose not to stand up for her rights, Jennifer was wrong too. By failing to act, she enabled Dave to continue his pattern of unacceptable behavior.

According to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, sexual harassment occurs "when submitting to or rejecting unwelcome sexual conduct affects an individual's employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual's work performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment."

It can take many forms, such as unwelcome touching, suggestive gestures, inappropriate teasing, or comments that make people uncomfortable.

What should you do if you feel that you've been a victim of sexual harassment?

* If the incident is minor, and the harasser is familiar to you, inform the person that his or her behavior is unwelcome, that it must stop immediately, and that it constitutes sexual harassment.

* If it occurs at school or work, report the incident to a school administrator or your boss.

* If the harasser is an authority figure, or if you don't get a satisfactory response from your school or employer, call the U.S. Equal Employment

Opportunity Commission at (800) 669-4000.

The most important thing to remember is that no one should tolerate harassment of any kind. Respect yourself. Make sure that others respect you too.

For More Information

Pennsylvania State University www.de.psu.edu/harassment/

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