Yearning Balance Balance - advice for working parents

I suspect parents everywhere have always yearned for balance. Yet something seems different today. What drives the sense of frenzy and overextension that so many of us are experiencing, and why do many of us hunger for a different kind of lifestyle?

We seem to live in the best of times and the worst of times. On average, Americans have more material possessions, more possibilities for personal development, more potential to travel, and greater employment opportunities than ever before. Yet we are working longer hours than our European and Asian counterparts, racking up more debt, developing more stress-induced health problems, and experiencing depression in record numbers - ten times the pre-World War II level, by one estimate. What gives?

There are many forces at play, but our "more is better" hyper- individualism may be a root cause of the problem. Americans seem hell- bent on getting more of everything -material possessions, money, technological toys, career opportunities, leisure experiences, and enrichment activities for our kids. We seem to believe that life is always about more. In fact, if we don't do it all, or have it all, we feel inadequate, and quietly fear that we're missing out on the party. Sadly, this frantic pursuit of more leaves many of us feeling spent rather than uplifted, anxious rather than contented.

If part of the problem is a cultural norm that sets no limits, part of the solution is deep consciousness about our true wants. What do we want? More stuff or more fun? More experiences or more fulfillment? More contacts or deeper relationships? More personal activities or daily practices that reflect our deepest values? And, in all of this churning about the good life, what kind of living are we modeling for our children?

A Distorted American Dream

The American Dream once focused on greater security, opportunity, and happiness. Increasingly, that dream has been supplanted by an extraordinary emphasis on acquisition, which exerts a toll on the quality of the lives that we lead, and even on our planet.

Our hectic chase for more has taken its toll on our financial well- being, sending over 1.3 million American households into bankruptcy in 1999. Credit card debt has reached new heights, and personal savings rates are at historic lows. We are consuming like there will be no tomorrow. More is better, bigger is better. Look at the average size of our homes, vehicles, televisions, cookies, and sodas! And we are working longer hours to pay for all this stuff we're buying - more than 47 hours a week for the average US worker.

Our consumerist lifestyles are also taking a heavy toll on the environment. Although we seldom see the impact, every product we consume comes from the earth and, in one form or another, must return to it. We suffer the impact of consumer behavior in many ways, from the dramatic loss of forests for paper and packaging to the conversion of farmlands and wetlands to large suburban developments. The American lifestyle is inadvertently jeopardizing our kids' environmental future.

How to Unplug and Slow Down

What can we do to nurture our children's values, foster healthy, balanced lives, and protect the natural systems they will rely on for survival? As parents, is it possible to reconcile our need for personal fulfillment, financial security, and our children's emotional needs at the same time - in other words, to live

in balance? I don't think anyone has the blueprint for good living, but there are some important steps we can take to live simpler, more satisfying lives.

* Remember that being precedes doing. Consciousness precedes commitment and action. By seeking to live in greater balance, you are taking the critical first step in making that a reality. For starters, spend some time asking yourself and your family fundamental questions about your core set of beliefs. Sit down (alone or with your partner) and ask, "What values do we want our kids to have?" "Are we doing everything we can to make that a reality?" Try to remember your happiest memories from childhood. Will your kids have similar memories? What can you do to ensure that they have better memories?

* Unplug. Exposure to television is a major issue for millions of American families. According to a leading expert on marketing to children, American kids see an average of 20,000 to 40,000 television commercials each year.1 These advertisements not only play on kids' insecurities, they put enormous pressure on parents to meet the demands created by an extremely savvy advertising industry. Moreover, the passive nature of television watching inhibits creativity and stunts children's natural curiosity about life. Remember you do have the power to turn off the tube, ignore the phone, and stay off your home computer. Just do it.

* The antidote to commercialism is community. Spending time with your children and with members of your community who share your values significantly reduces the need to compete with those who don't. Often overconsuming and overworking come from a sense of isolation and alienation from the people around us. Communities that truly interact are far less likely to compete against each other for status, and far more likely to support each other in common pursuits.

* Consciously work less. This may sound like heresy in today's work- and-spend society, but study after study shows that, if given the option, a significant number of Americans would work fewer hours if it meant less stress and more time with friends and family. Most Americans don't realize that this very attractive alternative is increasingly available to them. In this very tight job market, more and more employers are agreeing to reduced hour workweeks and more flexible work schedules. Ask yourself this: What stuff would I give up in exchange for more time?

* Be a conscious consumer. Americans waste a lot of money and resources on things that we don't really want or need. Wasted dollars are dollars that could be put in your savings account. Carefully consider your purchases. First ask, do I really need and want it? Second, is it worth the price I'm being asked to pay? How many hours will I have to work to pay for it? Finally, is it a product that will last, be repairable? Whenever possible, purchase products that are environmentally preferable, such as recycled paper towels and organic food.

* Remember that silence is golden. This is a simple but extremely difficult thing to do. The noise of our lives - televisions, video games, radios, computers - makes finding balance a true challenge. Take five minutes a day to completely remove yourself from noise. Use that time to center yourself and find peace.

These steps are just a beginning. We are in the midst of technological and social currents that challenge our capacity to be deeply conscious. We increasingly measure time in nanoseconds, expecting instant gratification, fast information, and immediate human response to our desires. To succeed in today's work environment, we must be master jugglers - of e-mail, faxes, phone, snail mail, Internet search engines, in sum, of more information than we can possibly filter. When working parents return home from this kind of office setting, they're spent.

Unfortunately, technology has also weakened the boundary between home and work, with many companies pressing their employees to complete work from their home computers and cell phones. Dual working parents are, by definition, struggling for balance.

In case you think I have arrived at some perfect state of balance, let me assure you that nothing could be farther from the truth. Recently, the conflict between having a successful career, trying to bring about social change, and the need to be an available and supportive mother came into stark relief for me. I was leaving the office for a two-day strategic retreat with my staff when an e-mail message popped up on my computer urging me to quit my job. I recognized the return address immediately - it was from my 11-year-old daughter.

We talked. She admires me even as she nudges me to come home. I make a point of lying down in bed with her at the end of the day to reconnect. We share silent moments together. Sometimes, we both skip work and school, just because it feels right to slow down and do less. So we, too, are on the journey, seeking to live well, trying to find balance, wanting to make our lives count, and aching to make the world healthier and safer for the absolutely innocent and delightful children yet unborn. It's a path. Easy? No. Vital for our personal well-being, our kids, and our natural world? Absolutely.

Notes

1. Michale F. Jacobson and Laurie Ann Mazur, Marketing Madness (Boulder, Colorado: Westview Press, 1995), 22.

For More Information

Yearning for Balance: An Action Kit available for $10.00 from The Center for a New American Dream, 6930 Carroll Avenue, Suite 900, Takoma Park, MD 20912, 301-891-3683; or e-mail them at newdream@newdream.org.

Books

Andrews, Cecile. The Circle of Simplicity: Return to the Good Life. HarperCollins, 1997.

Blix, Jacquelyn, and David Heitmiller. Getting a Life: Real Lives Transformed by 'Your Money or Your Life.' Viking, 1997.

Burch, Mark. Simplicity: Notes, Stories and Exercises for Developing Unimaginable Wealth. New Society Publishers, 1995.

Burch, Mark. Simplicity Study Circles: A Step-by-Step Guide. New Society Publishers, 1996.

Dominguez, Joe, and Vicki Robin. Your Money or Your Life: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence. Viking, 1992.

Durning, Alan Thein. How Much Is Enough? The Consumer Society and the Future of the Earth. Norton, 1992.

Elgin, Duane. Voluntary Simplicity: Toward a Way of Life That Is Outwardly

Simple, Inwardly Rich. William Morrow, 1993.

Engwicht, David. Street Reclaiming: Creating Livable Streets and Vibrant Communities. New Society Publishers, 1999.

Schor, Juliet. The Overworked American: The Unexpected Decline of Leisure. HarperCollins, 1993.

St. James, Elaine. Simplify Your Life (One Hundred Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter). Hyperion, 1994.

Periodicals

Yes! A Journal of Positive Futures 800-937-4451

Adbusters 800-663-1243

Consumer Reports 800-234-1645

Simple Living: The Journal of Voluntary Simplicity 206-464-4800

Websites

Center for a New American Dream www.newdream.org

Co-op America www.coopamerica.org

Liberty Tree Alliance www.libtree.org

Earth Save www.earthsave.org

New Ways to Work www.nww.org

Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy Network's Kids' Stuff Page www.eren.doe.gov/kids.html

The Sustainable Communities Network www.sustainable.org

Friends of the Earth's "Economics for the Earth" www.foe.org

Betsy Taylor is the executive director of the Center for a New American Dream (www.newdream.org), a nonprofit organization that promotes responsible consumption. She lives in Takoma Park, Maryland, with her husband and their two children.

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