Check him out - tips on evaluating the safety of continuing a beginning relationship with a man - excerpted from 'Defending Our Lives'

Let's begin at the beginning. You're introduced to someone. Sparks fly, and you have butterflies in your stomach. He asks you out. When you come home from your first date, you call all your friends to let them know what a wonderful evening you had. You're floating on air.

STOP! RED FLAG! WARNING...WARNING! Your radar should automatically kick in. You just met this person. It's obvious that he's handsome and sexy and knows where to take a woman on a date. Don't let that make you lose all your good sense. Most guys are all right, but you've got to keep an eye out for the bad apples. Though having all these romantic feelings is nice, what do you actually know about him? In this society we are very careful about everything else that effects our daily lives., but we eagerly enter into relationships with people about whom we know next to nothing! Did you check him out prior to agreeing to your date? Are you prepared to check him out now? This usually a very vulnerable time. That love button has been pushed, and you're off like a horse at the starting gate.

Whoa! Before you proceed any further, ask the person who introduced you to him the following questions:

* How well do you know him?

* How long have you known him?

* What does he do for a living?

* Do you know his family?

* Do you know where he grew up?

* Does he drink or do drugs?

* What are his hobbies?

Then, no mutter what his friends tell you, make your own observations.

The most important thing is not to be swayed by protestations of undying love--especially when they come from someone you've just met. It's okay to think someone is charming and debonair, but don't let that make you lose your head. Use common sense during the first dates--meet him in a public place, don't invite him into your house until you know trim a little better, and keep it light until you've had time to get to know more about him. If you decide to keep dating, gradually get answers to these questions--and look carefully at how he responds to your inquiries.

* What's your full name as given at birth?

* Where do you live?

* What's your date and year of birth?

* Where did you go to school?

* Where do your parents live?

* Was there violence in your home while you were growing up?

* Was your childhood happy and loving?

* What type of relationship do you have with your parents?

* What kind of environment were you raised in?

* Have you ever been in trouble with the law? If so, for what?

* Have you ever been married?

* If you're divorced, why did the marriage end?

If he objects and gets angry or is evasive about your questions, there may be something he doesn't want you to know. Tell him you're doing this only for your safety and peace of mind, and invite him to ask about your background as well. As you get to know each other and you learn more about his background, if he becomes threatening, your relationship should go no further.

If you're already in a relationship with a man, you should watch for warning signs that he could be dangerous. In addition to asking questions, observe how he handles his feelings. Does he express them easily? Does he seem mysterious? Does he make eye contact when answering your questions? Does he explain his making a sudden, unexpected appearance by saying things like "I'm lonely'? "I missed you and couldn't bear to end my night without seeing your lovely face"? Does he invite himself to join you when you're going out with friends? In other words, is he invading your free time?

You should be aware of some characteristics potential abusers or stalkers share. If he gets jealous when others admire you, compliment you or take up your time, or if he spends an unusual amount of money on you each time you get together, be careful. If he criticizes you for not always wanting to do what he wants or plans evenings without asking for your input, be wary. If he regularly calls you the minute you walk in the door or the minute he gets home, that's a warning sign.

Some other things to look out for:

* Name-calling and use of derogatory remarks and/or put-downs.

* Attempts to keep you isolated from family or friends.

* Cruelty to animals.

* Poor communication and coping skills.

* An antifemale attitude.

* A tendency to blame others for his faults or mistakes.

* A belief in male superiority.

* A family history of domestic violence in adult life or childhood.

* A self-righteous attitude.

Just as we should practice safe sex, we should also learn to practice safe relationships. Listen carefully to what the man in your life is saying rather than hearing only what you want to hear. We all want and need to be admired and made to feel special and loved, but it's essential to distinguish between caring love and obsessive control. Don't be like the horse at the racetrack ready to explode out of the gate. That horse is wearing blinders and sees only what's directly in front of it.

From Defending Our Lives by Susan Murphy-Milano. Copyright [C] 1996 by Susan Murphy-Milano, AHBUDA, Inc. Published by arrangement with Anchor Books.

COPYRIGHT 1997 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group