Teach toddler that screaming will not pay off

Question: My 2-year-old son is a screamer. He lets out an ear- piercing, high-pitched scream when he's frustrated, angry or needs attention (which is a lot). I've tried time-outs, but his behavior seems to worsen -- with continued or escalated screaming.

My son is a twin, and I struggle with handling his demanding behavior, especially when his sister is present.

What can I do to make this stop? -- K.L., Lantana, Fla.

Answer: It sounds as if your son's screaming is painful to listen to. You seem to understand his reasons for screaming, though that probably doesn't make it any easier to listen to it.

Many toddlers scream when they are frustrated or need attention, as your son does. Not all of them, though, have perfected the ear- piercing quality that makes your child's communications so compelling.

There may be a reason for his more specialized talent: He is a twin and may well need to use this way of getting your attention when you're busy with his sister and are feeling overwhelmed.

Even though you know that this won't go on forever, you sound desperate for some practical suggestions about how to cut back on the screaming -- or how to put up with it until he's grown beyond this. Here are a few things you can do:

-- Pay careful attention to the times when he screams and then see if you can predict them. How many "triggers" for his screaming can be avoided? Can you prepare him in advance for those that can't?

To help him, you might do your best to warn him ahead of time when there will be transitions and other predictable causes of frustration and distress for a toddler.

-- If he's screaming just to get your attention, don't give it to him when he does. You'll only be teaching him that screaming works. Instead, pick him up to cuddle him when he's not screaming.

If possible, set up some regular rituals that he can count on when he can have you all to himself. When he screams, remind him of these times. Then, tell him quietly but firmly that he won't have one of them when he is screaming.

-- Finally, if it's safe, walk away from him when he's screaming. It's hard to scream into a vacuum.

You won't be able to make him stop. This is something you can't control. But you can prevent your son from finding that the screaming pays off. And you can reward him with your attention when he doesn't scream.

Question: We have a 6 1/2-year-old granddaughter in the first grade. She is an excellent student and has a good relationship with the other students. She has a large vocabulary and speaks distinctly.

The only problem is her refusal to talk to other people when she is with her parents or sister (age 17) and brother (age 15). She will not say a word to anyone, whether it be an adult or a child. She will whisper in a family member's ear if she wants something.

When she is alone with her family, she talks nonstop.

She has always done this, and we thought it was something she'd outgrow. What can we do to help her get past this problem? -- J.H., Houston

Answer: It's possible that your granddaughter's pattern of not speaking has become embedded because she senses how powerful it is. It sounds as if she upsets all of you.

You may be worried that this is a kind of selective mutism. It doesn't sound typical of that disorder, which is quite rare. Children with selective mutism usually will not speak in a broader context, often a social one -- for example, at school or with friends.

It would be more unusual for a child with selective mutism to speak in school, with friends and with family, as your granddaughter apparently does, with the only restriction of speech occurring when family and other people are present together.

It is encouraging to hear that she has good relationships with other students. Other children's reactions are usually very important bellwethers. Other children won't put up with a seriously disordered child.

From your account, it sounds as if your granddaughter may be expecting her two older siblings and her parents to speak for her. Maybe she doesn't value her own ideas enough.

At any rate, her parents should probably stop filling in for her. They should let the silences grow long and her requests go unanswered. This may press her to dare to take control of her own ideas.

Another thing to take into consideration is the number of languages she and her family speak. If there are different languages spoken with different family members and outside of the home, you and her parents may be dealing with a different set of issues altogether.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider.

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