Teaching a simple lesson in fostering tolerance regarding personal choices

An innate fear of almost any alternative lifestyle seems to be interwoven within the social fabric of America. To be different in any way elicits suspicion. Individuals who would describe themselves as liberal minded, as moral people, and even as socially contemporary still quickly shy away from the idea of homosexuality. I see very young men wince when the topic is approached in my undergraduate classes. They are uncomfortable at its mere mention. If they speak at all on the topic it is to assure everyone else in the class that, although they see no problem with the concept, they themselves are fiercely heterosexual. In these same classes I see young women squirm or giggle nervously. It is amazing how some of my most talkative young ladies and gentlemen, many of whom will passionately voice opinions on almost any topic discussed in class, will suddenly grow conspicuously silent when homosexuality is broached. In essence their silence signals a tacit acceptance of the status quo regarding attitudes towards homosexuals.

Many of my older non-traditional students on the other hand are often quick to attack such alternative lifestyle. They openly espouse the well schooled societal beliefs concerning the dangers and sickness of any individual who would dare to live such a life. They see themselves as protectors of the young and keepers of the flame of morality. They are quick to point out that personally they have nothing against gays and lesbians, but that "those kind of people should keep the way they feel behind closed doors. They should not flaunt their feelings in public." When I question them regarding open displays of heterosexual affection, some acknowledge that this too makes them uncomfortable, but others simply dismiss my question by saying that the situations are not the same. "That's different, it's not the same thing." I find these reactions to be amazing.

I continually see ambiguity and contradiction in what students say. When I present students with case studies of legal discrimination and incidences of differential treatment toward homosexuals, they are quick to point out the unfairness of such situations. Yet, these same students also harbor a deep fear for anyone who would decide to practice such an alternative lifestyle. On a few rare occasions over the years I have even exposed individuals who were militantly hostile and inherently homophobic.

My Human and Intercultural Relations class for many students is their first real exposure to topics that deal with discrimination on the basis of race, gender, ethnicity, nationality, socioeconomic status, or sexual preference. According to the course listing I am in essence asked to change the beliefs of a lifetime in fifteen weeks. This is an impossible task even under the best of conditions. At most, I can only introduce new ideas that debunk existing myths in the hope of producing a better educated, clearer thinking, and more informed individual. If somehow they leave my class with greater understanding, more tolerance, and a better sense of fairness, I see the semester as successful.

With these goals in mind I decided to construct an optional assignment in be this class that would expose these students to a small glimpse of the world that many gays and lesbians face on a daily basis. When first introduced several years ago the lesson was viewed as rather radical, especially for a small private four year liberal arts college.

This lesson consists of two interrelated stages. In stage one the students are instructed to select a close friend, someone who truly understands and cares for them. This friend had to be someone that could be convinced that what they were hearing was plausible and a real possibility. Once this friend was chosen students were to sit down face to face with this person and tell the friend that suddenly they had begun to have feelings, an unexplained attraction, to someone new who had recently entered their lives. All the while as they watched for reactions they were to slowly introduce into the conversation the fact that this person was of the same sex. It would be at this point that each student should ask for advice from the friend.

As the conversation continued the student was told to listened to the friend's comments and opinions and pay close attention to facial expressions, body language, and other nonverbal indicators of what the friend was thinking and feeling. Tone of voice was particularly important. As the conversation began to wind down the student was instructed to ask the friend to keep what was said in total confidence, not to tell another living soul what had been discussed.

It was at this time that stage two of the assignment was to begin. The students were told that once the conversation had ended they were barred, for at least twenty four hours, from telling anyone that is had been a classroom assignment. This unexpected restriction caused a great deal of discomfort for the students. They openly complained that this could cause major unforeseeable problems for them. What if the friend told another friend? What if after the twenty four hours their friends did not believe them when they said it was only an experiment assigned by a professor? What if the friend became angry? These an other questions soon came pouring out in the class discussions. I watched as they maneuvered for concessions on this point, but none of their questions were new to me and I remained firm. I simply reiterated that if they wished to do the assignment they had to follow all of the rules. I could sense the uneasiness and tension that the assignment was generating. Those who were contemplating tackling this difficult task knew they had to make a decision quickly if they hoped to develop a plan and successfully implement it before the semester came to an end. My students did not know it but the experiment had already in essence begun.

Over the course of the next few days and weeks it was interesting to see who decided to accept the challenge of doing this difficult assignment. One might hypothesize that those students who were in desperate need of extra work in order to pass the course, or those who wanted to assure themselves an "A" for the final grade might be the first to do the experiment. In reality though this was not the case. Those who chose to do the assignment over the several years I have offered it have been neither the brightest nor the weakest students. For the most part they have been my "B" and "C" students. One consistent pattern did emerge though, one which I believe is directly related to societally learned gender traits, female students who did the assignment outnumbered the male students by an overwhelming percentage.

This is not surprising. Men in American society, by and large, choose other men as their best friends. Yet, conversations between men rarely delve deeply into emotions or feelings. If they do, the discussions often center around women or financial problems. One twenty year old male student told me that "guys just hang out together and talk about sports or girls or complain about things. We don't often discuss anything heavy." With this in mind it would be extremely difficult for any man to break the unspoken taboo and discuss feelings for another man with even his best friend. My male students concurred. As one twenty year old male said "It just wasn't done." Another male student agreed and was quick to point out to me that "if be really believes I'm a homosexual, think what that would do to me. I would lose all my friends for sure. Plus, I'd never get another date as long as I lived."

Of those students who did opt for the assignment and did actually complete it properly, (it was easy to tell those who attempted to fake it) their written papers exposed a wide, and yet predictable, array of reactions from their friends. Some of the more common ones included denial on the part of the friend. "No way, you can't be gay. I've known you all my life and I would have noticed something wrong if you were gay." Very revealing here is the use of the word "wrong" meaning in this case incorrect or unacceptable behavior.

Some students reported that their friends actually yelled at them. "Cut it out, stop acting crazy." At times the conversations became quite intense. Students were often told to "go see a doctor and find out what's wrong with you. You must be sick. Have you been eating Okay lately? Maybe it's just something physical. Your body's probably out of whack. Have you been sleeping?"

In some cases students were told that they "better go see a shrink before this gets any worse." Interesting enough all of these responses are rooted in the misbelief that homosexuality is by nature a disease. Logically, according to this line of reasoning, it follows that if it is indeed a disease then there must be some kind of physical or mental cause for its presence. Once this cause is isolated it can therefore be cured.

On several occasions students have even reported that their friends believed the answer was to have an affair. Often this option was offered to married students by married friends. I found this advice extremely alarming. Obviously, immorality and infidelity were seen as more viable options than being gay or lesbian. Occasionally students were met with silence. Their friends were simply overwhelmed by such a possibility and refused to discuss the topic at all. In a few cases the friends became slightly alarmed about their own status. "You're not attracted to me are you?" In these rare cases the students soon realize that the laws of sexual attraction were perceived quite differently for heterosexuals and homosexuals. Heterosexuals could choose to be physically attracted to some people and not others. Homosexuals though must be attracted to everyone of the same sex. As absurd as this seems, my students found the perception to be quite prevalent. Only after more in depth conversations did a friend realize how illogical this concept was in the real world.

Once the friends realized that the students would not accept any of these options they, by and large, adjusted to the news and after a short period of time began to listen more intently and to ask probing and often caring questions. "Does your husband know?" "Does anyone else know?" "Do you intend to act on these feelings?" "What are you going to do now?" Eventually, many simply asked "... what can I do to help?"

Over the course of the twenty four hours in which the students were incommunicado they reported that they often felt uneasy. Some were unable a complete the exercise and had to telephone their friends and inform them that they were not homosexual after all, that it was just an assignment for that crazy Human and Intercultural Relations teacher who everyone on campus knew was a little strange.

Those who were able to wait though journalized some very interesting follow up reactions as they prepared their papers. On the personal side, they often wondered if their friends would keep their secret. Would they be ruined? Would they end up having to explain to dozens of friends and fellow students that this was all some kind of crazy mix-up, some huge misunderstanding in communication? What if they couldn't reach their friend the next day? What if the friend believed they were now lying when they said it was just an assignment? Would they be accused of trying to cover up the truth from the day before?

Others reported follow up telephone calls from their friends who either wanted more information on this startling revelation, clarification on certain points, or just simply to lend further support. In most cases all students reported that it was a long night.

Students' papers dealing with their friends' reactions after the twenty four hour period was completed showed that in the vast majority of cases the friends expressed feelings of relief. "I am so glad it wasn't real, what a relief." "Boy, am I glad you were only kidding." Other students reported that their friends told them that they never really believed the story at all. "I knew it couldn't be true, you like guys too much." "You never fooled me, I know you too well." These students were quick to add that their friends were less than convincing. "There was no doubt in my mind that she believed me." "He can't fool me. He thought I was for real."

Only in one case over the years did a friend become angry enough to want to end the friendship. Even in this case the friendship survived after tempers cooled within a few days.

In almost all the cases though these friends were quick to add that "if you had been, you know I would still be your friend. I would stand behind you in any decision you made." Whether or not this was true, my students reported that they felt a new closeness to their friends, a sense of support.

Contrary to their fears, in the vast majority of cases the students' explanations were sufficient enough to bring the matter to a close. Only in a very few select cases did the friends pursue the issue any further. In the end not one friend ever came to believe that any student was indeed concealing an alternative lifestyle. In the final analysis most were relived that they would not have to deal with what they considered to be a problem.

In order to complete this assignment students were asked to conclude their papers by answering a rather simple question. "What had you learned from this experience?" Students who utilized this assignment as an opportunity to explore the difficulties gays and lesbians face reported in their papers that the experience was extremely worthwhile and valuable to them. Many discussed how they now possessed a somewhat different perspective on gay and lesbian issues. As one of my students, a twenty three year old female wrote "... I kind of understand now what it must be like to have a secret that cannot be shared, a secret that if divulged, could make people look at me different, different like I don't belong." Another student wondered "... how tough must it be to let people know who you really are when even your best friend looks at you funny when you try to explain how you want to live your life? Imagine how strangers must take the news? Even worse, what if these people are your boss or your landlord or someone who can cause you major grief in your life."

Without a doubt this assignment forced my students to stop and experience, even if only for the shortest of moments, real life situations. They learned first hand how societal images and perceptions control so much of what we believe and what we do. While commenting on their written assignments I always finish up with the following thoughts. "What if it were true? What if you were really gay or lesbian, how hard would it be to tell someone?"

Almost all the students who do this assignment tell me that they now better understand the link between being viewed as different, whether it be based upon race, gender, nationality, or alternative lifestyle preference and being treated unequally. As one student so aptly put it "I now can see how we have to learn to put ourselves in someone else's place. Only through exposure to other cultures and ideas can this happen. I sure am glad I had this experience."

The first step to understanding is tolerance and many of my students were able to take that first big step. "I guess it must be difficult to be homosexual. I kind of feel sorry for anyone who has to hide the way they feel. I could never be gay, but I now see that what other people do is their business, no one else's. They're okay as far as I'm concerned." While modest on the surface, I count this breakthrough in thought from a nineteen years old former homophobic male student as one of my most rewarding moments in teaching this class.

In the final analysis I believe this lesson embodies everything I try to teach in class. Put simply, I want my students to leave my class believing that different is just that ... different. It is not better it is not worse, only different. Hopefully, they will realize that through differences we learn and through differences we come to appreciate others and ourselves as well. Maybe if this message could somehow reach beyond the walls of a college classroom and into the larger world, someday there will be no need for classes like mine. I would happily retire if that day should ever come.

Copyright Project Innovation Fall 1995
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved