Sensitive parenting: from infancy to adulthood. - book reviews

Myths of Childrearing Sensitive Parenting: From Infancy to Adulthood

In recent years there has been a small explosion of renewed interest in questions relating to childrearing. Every day a new book comes out with advice about how to make one's infant a computer genius, how to keep a school-age child out of trouble or how to have a career and a family. Parents are looking for answers.

It used to be that relatives and neighbors were an endless source of information and encouragement --sometimes unwanted, but usually very useful. One could learn about weathering the crises of childrearing by discussion, or by watching how others handled their own kids. Some formally organized parents' groups have taken the place of lifelong friends and the extended family, and park bench gatherings also help, but for the most part parents are asked to perform a difficult and complex job without education, experience or support. The increasing demand for books on how-to-parent speaks, at least in part, to this situation.

Real help in any sphere comes in small measure from education, but more so from the development of a substantial relationship. To the extent that an author of a helping book can establish such a relationship with the reader, that book will be useful in bringing about genuine growth and change. If a book can develop a sense in the reader that the author understands and has personally experienced some of the confusion and travails of being a parent, and that he or she has resolved some of these issues, then that book is on its way to developing a feeling of dialogue between "expert' and parent.

Books help us most when we can recognize ourselves and our children in them, when they reflect our experiences and help us to attain a new depth of understanding about the meaning of those experiences. Many books about childrearing, however, do little to help parents integrate what is going on with themselves and their children so that they can develop the skills and judgment necessary to make decisions in many different kinds of situations. The majority of parenting books offer formulas for dealing with family members, and rules by which parents should guide their interactions. If the recipe for language and behavior does not exactly fit the style or needs of an individual parent or child, or if the situation differs slightly, parents are left with little ability to alter the plan to suit their own needs. Often the emphasis is on how to get your child to do what you want rather than an exploration of child or parent development. These books often sound like dog training manuals or courses in manipulation and management-by-objective.

Two recent books aimed at helping parents do their job are interesting examples of what is best and worst about parenting books. Both Myths of Childrearing by Joseph Rosner, Ph.D., and Sensitive Parenting From Infancy to Adulthood by Katharine C. Kersey, Ed.D., have something to offer and will be helpful to some readers. Both, however, have serious flaws that curtail their usefulness to parents who are searching for assistance.

In many ways, Myths of Childrearing was a pleasure to read. This book combines a respect for children, for their needs and rights, with a real sensitivity for the needs and stresses of parents. Joseph Rosner displays a deep understanding of child development and the complex experience of raising a child in the 1980s. A series of one-sentence "Myths' ("Picking the baby up all the time will cause dependency and spoiling' and "Children in the same family must be expected to fight all the time,' for example) are responded to with what the author calls "Facts,' which explain why each myth is counter to basic information about child development. This format is useful in that it directly confronts the advice that every parent hears. However, much of what anyone knows about childrearing boils down to experience, sensitivity and a system of values, with perhaps, a knowledge of recent research. What is fact for one expert is myth for another. Most of what Rosner labels fact is not based on research, but rather on his own deeply grounded wisdom. It is clear that Rosner knows what he is talking about. Basic to his point of view is a sense that children are not our adversaries to be mastered, that their needs are very real, and that there are no short cuts in helping children to grow to ". . . become independent, mature adults who will find happiness and fulfillment in love and their life's work.'

After an initial chapter entitled "Myths of Childrearing,' Rosner's remaining seven chapters are broken into age groups from birth to age 12, followed by a short list of suggested readings and a good index. He covers areas as varied as eating habits, discipline, attitudes towards children and sex roles, as well as many others. The explanations are clear and concise, and the examples he uses make his concepts more concrete.

However, in spite of all of this, Myths is not for everyone. The book lacks that sense of dialogue that engages the struggling parent. Nowhere is there the feeling of personal sharing or personal experience as a parent of growing children. The laying down of facts has a somewhat stiff quality, once in a while bordering on the preachy. The language is quite sophisticated, and terms such as "narcissistic' and "identification' in the psychoanalytic sense are used. These concepts are unlikely to be familiar in this form to the general audience. Those professionals who work with parents will probably respond to this book with interest, since Rosner's viewpoint is cogently articulated and the myths he addresses are ones that all of us have encountered. While his book does not give codified instructions about childrearing, it should be useful in sparking ideas and discussion and in helping parenting specialists to develop new ways of explaining information to parents.

Sensitive Parenting From Infancy to Adulthood has the one piece that is missing from Rosner's book: Katharine Kersey is able to connect with the reader as one who has raised her own children. Her examples are both personal and familiar and her language is accessible, simple and probably on the level of the weekly newspaper parenting column that she writes.

The positive comparison stops there, though. While Myths speaks to the complexity of the developing relationship between parent and child, and to the stresses of growing up and of being a parent, Kersey's book reduces all this to some simple approaches to training one's child. In her introduction she states that she has ". . . developed ten principles . . . which . . . can guide us to more productive interactions and relationships with children.' A chapter is devoted to each principle (e.g., "Treat the Child with Respect'; "Enlist Child's Help in Rule-Making'; "Reward Appropriate Behavior') and is illustrated by numerous anecdotes describing situations in which parents and children (mostly of school age) are at odds with one another, followed by Kersey's solutions. At the end of each chapter are a series of representative questions, apparently from parents, and her responses.

This book is a prime example of the cookbook variety of parenting manuals. Kersey provides the reader with techniques, but without real explanations. No one reading this book would come away with a greater understanding of normal developmental patterns or conflicts. In the very few examples in which she does use research to bolster her ideas, her explanations are abbreviated and confusing. The emphasis is on the how-to, and parents are handed strategies with no further discussion to illuminate children's behaviors. This means that they are not empowered with an ability to make solutions tailored to fit their own situations. For example, responding to a question about a 2-year-old who has suddenly stopped eating from a parent who has tried everything, Kersey gives some good advice: Leave the child alone and stop worrying. But no mention is made of the autonomy issues that children of that age are struggling with, about the meaning of this kind of negativism. Without such information the parent cannot grasp the real meaning of the interchange, and while she may hold religiously to the instructions Kersey has given her, she will not have grown as a parent or gained new skills in understanding her child's development.

The best parenting book not only provides parents with information, but gives them a way of approaching conflicts or disturbing situations so that they can become personally more competent. In an example about a 3-year-old who has begun biting a younger sister and his friends, Kersey gives some instructions on how to handle it, but never suggests that the parent ask herself that might be going on to precipitate this newly aggressive behavior. One could ask if there was a change in the household, if the child is having a particular problem, if he started a new school. One could suggest that a parent observe to see what happens immediately before the biting episodes, and so forth. If parents can learn to think in these terms, they often surprise themselves with their findings and come up with their own solutions.

And last, while she devotes a long first chapter to treating one's child with respect, most of the examples Kersey uses to illustrate her principles are based on operating conditioning. She suggests giving children stars and checks, or giving sought-after prizes for sought-after behavior: "If you behave nicely in the store then we can go to the park.' The emphasis is on this negotiated bribe technique to the virtual exclusion of other ways of interacting with children in difficult situations. While there is no question that rewards have their place in socializing some children some of the time, one wonders how this sort of childrearing can contribute to Kersey's goal of raising children who ". . . can relate to others in a healthful, mature and caring way.'

COPYRIGHT 1984 U.S. Government Printing Office
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group