Our grandchildren will scorn our pill-popping

OK. I've been trying to figure out this Medicare stuff. I read articles in newspapers, treatises in magazines, essays from AARP, junk mail from unknown companies, and blogs on the Internet. I watched commercials with Robert Wagner and what's-her-name. (What do they know about pill problems? They made more money from that commercial than I'll spend on pills the rest of my life.)

Wagner? Wasn't he on that TV show from the increasingly dim past? "Hart to Hart," or "Liver to Liver," or something like that? How come when advertisers talk to old people they choose old TV stars? Why don't they have Jennifer Lopez tell us about Medicare? Or Halle Berry? Or Matthew Broderick?

What do folks on television know, anyway? I was on TV once. Now, my TV cameraman is a proctologist. His camera is on the end of a long stick.

Like most people my age, I take a few pills. I told the doctor one of my pills causes a chronic cough. He prescribed another pill - - two bucks each. He said I have to take it for the rest of my life. Then he wrote: "No refills."

It's OK, because I can't open the pill container, anyway. It's child-resistant and senior-proof. I usually ask a preschooler to pry it open.

I'm tired of those TV ads for pills. Side effects are worse than the disease. And that couple in the Cialis ad, sitting in separate bathtubs, watching the sunset, holding hands. What's that all about? Are they waiting for Cialis to work, or is he sitting in cold water?

In a few years, our great grandchildren will look back on our pill-popping generation with the same disdain we look back on "bleeding" as a cure. Future generations will say: "Folks 'back then' must have been crazy to think popping pills would solve their health problems."

But ours is a pill-popping culture. And if we're on Medicare, we're supposed to pick a pill-popping plan. Most plans are designed to make the pharmaceutical companies even richer. According to one chart, costs range from $6 to $70 a month. If we were wise, we'd probably take up yoga and invest $50 a month in pharmaceutical stocks. We might die a few weeks earlier, but we'd die rich.

While I may teeter on the precipice of senility, I'm still wise enough to know that for six bucks a month, I won't get much. And for seventy bucks a month, I'll get a lot more than I need. I've narrowed my choices. I'm not anxious to pay for Robert Wagner's commercials, so his employer is out. I've never heard of some companies offering plans, so they're out. (I'm contradicting myself, since the reason I don't know about them is because they never advertise.)

I could ask for advice, but no one will take the legal risk of telling me exactly what I should do. Except Cousin Barney . . . the same cousin who gave me that hot tip about Enron stock just before the collapse. But Barney has his own problems. Some thief stole Barney's identity . . . and the identity thief is desperately trying to give it back to Barney.

Anyway, I think I'll hold off making a decision, even though the delay will cost me. Congress dreamed up one more confusing mess. No one thinks it'll work. Congress is the epicenter of confusion, except when their own well-being is concerned. We should hope for the same health plan our representatives in Congress enjoy. They don't pay anything for anything.

Chances are we'll soon see changes in these confusing bitter pill programs.

In the meantime, I'll just keep popping expensive pills until I can take a trip to Canada, where I'm told I can buy the same made- in-America pills for half price. Congress should look into that, but I guess they're too busy trying to figure out what to do about the national debt, the trade deficit and the war. Besides, the needs of ordinary voters don't count much in Congress; campaign money talks.

We need a pill for voter impotence -- a sort of Viagra for frustrated citizens. Side effects include watery eyes, incoherent mumbling, lost innocence and a compelling urge to vote Democrat.

G. Donald Gale is president of Words, Words, Words Inc. He was formerly editorial director at KSL. He earned a doctorate at the University of Utah and was awarded an honorary doctorate by Southern Utah University.

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