Don't make big deal about 4-year-old's pickiness

Question: My 4-year-old son will hardly eat anything. When he was a baby, he had a strong gag reflex and had trouble eating solid food. He has almost always refused new food.

For the past two years, his diet has mainly consisted of peanut butter, cheddar cheese, yogurt, cookies, potato chips and chocolate milk. When I introduce anything new, he screams, "I don't eat that!"

I don't push him into trying new things. I usually accept that he will eventually try new food out of curiosity.

My son goes to preschool and recently got a new teacher. She says that he is beginning to eat some of his food at lunch and snack. Before the new teacher, he went all day without eating a bite at school. But at home, he still will not eat anything that is not in his usual diet.

What should I do? --C.S., New Orleans

Answer: It is not uncommon for an infant with a strong gag reflex and trouble swallowing to become a picky eater later on. These early experiences may have made your child wary of new foods, and may have made you understandably concerned about his eating as well.

Often, in a situation like this, a child's worries and a parent's create a vicious cycle that a less-involved and skillful outsider may be able to break. His routine diet sounds as if it includes a number of nourishing foods, but you should check with his doctor to be sure that his weight and height stay on track.

His doctor may also do a blood test to see whether he is getting enough iron -- he may very well find that an iron supplement and vitamins are needed. Fortunately, these come in such appealing tastes that parents need to keep them out of children's reach to keep them from eating too many.

Once you are sure his basic nutritional needs are covered, and that he's growing and gaining properly, you'll find it easier to leave his choices entirely up to him.

This is bound to be more difficult after his stormy start. Liking his new teacher at school has made him readier to try out new foods, so he can enlarge his tastes in that setting. Don't try to get him to do the same at home right now. He'll let you know when he's ready -- if you don't ask.

Meanwhile, no grazing between meals, though children this age usually need a regularly scheduled snack in the morning and afternoon.

Make family mealtimes fun, not about food. We used to sing songs when I'd begun to get uptight about my children's eating habits. They knew it was for me, but the songs freed them to feel independent in the feeding area. Try it!

Question: My 7-year-old son has had a habit of sucking his left index and middle fingers since he was a few months old.

His father and I are at odds about how to handle the situation. I don't want my son (in second grade) to continue this habit any longer than necessary but his father is embarrassed that his son continues to suck his fingers even at school.

The boy doesn't seem to care if people notice or even comment -- he tells them "it makes me feel comfortable."

I feel that forcibly taking away his fingers by whatever method would be worse than our son's having braces on his teeth. The dentist doesn't seem to be too concerned.

I am more sympathetic, having been a thumb sucker until past age 7 -- I only did it at night as I got older and quit when I was ready.

My husband continually tells me I am perpetuating the thumb- sucking habit by not forcing our son to stop. --J.B., Santa Barbara, Calif.

Answer: It seems as if the disagreement between you and your husband may be fueling the fire. You said that you stopped sucking your thumb when you were ready -- waiting for that time is the current thinking today.

Putting pressure on a child to stop sucking his fingers may just reinforce it. He tells you that your concern doesn't match his because he needs the habit to "feel comfortable." Without more motivation on his part to stop himself, any effort you make is likely to fail.

If, on the other hand, he is being teased at school and is beginning to wish he could stop, you could offer to help him. Disapproval of peers is bound to be a more powerful force than yours. But he is less likely to admit such concerns and turn to you for help if your pressure has turned his habit into a control battle. Instead, he needs your support for his self-esteem, especially if it is under attack at school.

If and when he wants your help, you can encourage him to choose a substitute for his fingers that he can use to soothe himself -- something small enough to keep in his pocket like a tiny toy, or a string of beads that he can fidget with and keep his hands busy, or even sugarless gum to keep his mouth occupied (though his teachers may not like that).

In some cultures, adults use a string of beads or coins to fiddle with, and even attach great importance to them. Maybe your boy could practice using his new "lovey" when he feels tense or worried, or even when he is in pain -- before he even begins to try to give up his finger-sucking. If this helps, then he can begin to fall back on it at school.

I hope you and your spouse can agree not to make your boy feel guilty about his finger-sucking, and to avoid turning it into a big deal. Keep this issue low key so that he can put his energy into fighting battles that he needs to win!

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 609 Greenwich St., 6th Floor, New York, NY 10014-3610. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider. ? T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D. Distributed by New York Times Special Features

Copyright C 2005 Deseret News Publishing Co.
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.