Institute's beginnings lead to some scary realizations

File this in your "he really stuck his foot into it this time" folder. Or perhaps under "God does indeed have a sense of humor." Or both.

You may remember my cynical views last week on wellness, i.e., its low potential for success among health-unconscious, self-indulgent M&M-poppers like myself, who in the greater glory of their ego dare not think they are alone in this world.

Well, feel free to dial in your condolences -- assuming I'm able to shuffle this mortal coil into the office. For yesterday my puffy carcass was put to the test by the Integris Institute. Yes, you guessed it. We experienced wellness. Some of you may be gloating over images of my overwrought remains straining on a burdened treadmill, my lips foaming over my outstretched belly, sweat pouring past my overbearing proboscis not unlike some giant, mutated pig. "Butterball got what's comin' to him," you're thinking. First off, I'm not really that round. Butter- bowling pin or butter-pop bottle ... that might work, but butterball is just not appropriate. And anyway, I didn't really get what was coming to me. You see, I got to the introductory meeting late. My rambling mind and the three tons of scrap paper on my desk helped me lose the first fax Integris sent me on how to get there, which forced me to call for directions. And with all the butter in my ears, I didn't catch all the instructions, which means that when they told me it was at Liberty offices on NW 63rd Street and Grand, I ended up at Liberty Mortgage on 63rd and Grand. I really, truly didn't know Grand intersected NW 63rd twice. Silly me. I've only lived here 23 years. By the time I found Liberty Bank had a large branch at 1200 NW 63rd St., I was 45 minutes late. The introductory meeting was nearly over. The Integris folks were most forgiving and well organized. Upon entering, I was given my name tag and introduced as a "Rhino." That's right, a giant, mutated pig with an overbearing proboscis. I was one of 11 members of the Rhino team, one of three teams devised for attendants of the first-ever Integris Institute. Me, a Rhino. With one glance at my mug, you can see for yourself the poetic justice of it all. But that's not the end of God's irony, as I soon discovered. For as I stood in the back of the room, seriously wondering who'd be stupid enough to design a city street like Grand, my butter ears caught the words "wellness" ringing from wall to wall. Had it not been for the unmatched energies one gets from a diet of M&Ms, my heart might have stopped. You may not realize this, but the red ones alone have enough potent power to knock out Hulk Hogan's wisdom teeth. A whole bag can keep you bouncing off the walls for days. Anyway, I looked at the documentation I'd just been given and found, in a few seconds of absolute horror, that it was true. This Integris Institute that I'd allowed myself to be volunteered into, which was built on the noble task of educating people about the future of health care -- was going to study wellness. My spongy gut just cringed at the thought! I would have to wear blubber-exposing exercise clothes! My tender palate would endure cardboard-flavored health foods! My muscular system would face real, honest stress for the first time this millennium! I was going to have my arms drawn and quartered for blood tests! And I'd have to fast 12 hours before I did that! I'm sorry, but I never thought it possible to tell those of us born in the M&M generation, who feel health foods begin with the Low Fat Milky Way bar, that you could even contemplate abstaining from food for 12 hours. That's like expecting me to get a full six hours of sleep each night! I mean, who can dream of going to bed before seeing Seinfeld? Is it even possible? So, as you know by now, God does indeed have a sense of humor. Tuesday I received a full treatment of self responsibility. Next week I'll let you know how it turned out -- all the while remembering that this institute goes on for another five months! And now (Lord, help me!), on with our show... Treatments A drug to reduce the incidence of skeletal complications in breast cancer patients, developed with clinical research involving the Tulsa physician Alan M. Keller, has been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. Keller, who is on the staff of Cancer Care Associates, participated in studying the expanded use of Aredia (the clinical name for pamidronate disodium), a proven treatment for reducing high calcium levels, relieving bone pain and fractures in multiple myeloma patients. "While Aredia cannot cure the cancer," Keller noted, "it does significantly enhance quality of life by reducing pain and fractures caused by the disease process, and lessens the impact of the disease on bone." Cancer Care Associates, formed in 1972, is a statewide network of specialists in adult medical oncology and hematology. It sports two offices in Oklahoma City and Tulsa, plus locations in Norman, Bartlesville, Stillwater and Shawnee. Community The Greater Oklahoma City Hospital Council will provide free health screenings to elementary school children in 26 metro schools during Child Health and National Dental Hygiene Month (otherwise known as October). This represents an additional four schools than were checked last year. Under the 3-year-old "Healthy U -- Check In, Check Up for School" program, officials expect to check the height, weight, vision, hearing, blood pressure, teeth and throat of more than 13,000 kids. Results will be sent home to their parents. Another name for October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Unfortunately, officials with the Oklahoma State Department of Health forecast that out of 1,800 cases expected this year, 540 Sooners will fall victim to this most common form of cancer among women. So be prudent and take charge of your health. Metro area Homeland Stores will provide in-store flu shots from Oct. 14-Nov. 16 in conjunction with the Visiting Nurse Association of Tulsa. Customers will be charged $10 per vaccination. Gatherings The Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation will mark its 50th anniversary with a Civic Center symposium today and an open house Thursday. The symposium, beginning at 9 a.m., features talks on "The End of Biology" by Dr. Philip M. Silverman, "What Makes the Worm Squirm?" by Dr. James R. Rand, "The Protein C Story: From Discovery to Bedside" by Dr. Charles T. Esmon, "Insights into the Human Immune System Revealed by Experiments of Nature" by Dr. Linda F. Thompson, "Telemedicine: Importing and Exporting Medical Services via Telecommunications" by Dr. James S. Logan, and "Lupus: a Disease Mystery" by Dr. Judith A. James. About 2,500 are expected to attend. The open house for the foundation's 825 NE 13th St. facilities run from 10 a.m.-2:30 p.m. If you want to catch up on industry rules and regulations under discussion, catch the Oklahoma Health Care Authority meeting at 1 p.m. Thursday. The board agenda includes the contract with the Oklahoma Foundation for Medical Quality, recommendations regarding conflicts of interest panel rules, and a proposed executive session, where members will discuss the status of pending lawsuits. The board will gather at 1 p.m. in the George Kaiser Rehabilitation Building of the Hillcrest Medical Complex, 1125 S. Trenton in Tulsa. Friday is the deadline for art students to submit their posters for a contest held in conjunction with Expo `96, the exhibition on disability concerns scheduled for Oct. 16 at the Clarion Hotel and Conference Center, 4345 N. Lincoln Blvd. Artwork submitted by three entrants will be enlarged to adorn billboards across the metro area. Designs should address the theme of "Ability for Hire," which coincides with October also being National Disability Awareness Month. "Each design should reflect this idea and heighten the public's awareness of employability of individuals with disabilities," said LeAnn Jenkins, contest committee chair. Submissions should be black and white, plus one other color, on posters 15 inches by 30 inches in a landscape format. They should be delivered to 215 Dean A. McGee, Suite 320. For more information, contact Jenkins at 231-4167. Do you feel insecure when talking in front of others? Then you may wish to hear Dr. Twyla J. Smith speak on "Anxiety: Shyness, Avoidance and Social Phobia," 7 p.m. Tuesday in the Parish Hall of the All Souls Episcopal Church, 6400 N. Pennsylvania Ave. Kirby Lee Davis welcomes your comments and contributions. Reach him at (405) 278-2843, by fax at 278-2890, or by e-mail address, dpage

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